iovan

Update

2008-04-30T11:08:00.000-07:00

Last time I blogged I sort of committed to do more things that would build spirituality. That's been hard. The flesh is willing and the spirit is weak :-)

Still working on it though...

December resolutions

2007-12-15T02:17:00.000-08:00

When I told my friend about my SSA, everything sort of changed. Before, I kind of felt that I would somehow work my way through it and when I would have learned what I needed to learn, my feelings would change and I would move on and get married.

Teling someone made it very definite. It no longer felt like something temporary or something I struggled with. Now it was something that seemed part of me. There was no longer an escape. I could never deny it anymore, since someone knew the truth. Immediately after the rush of finally having told someone was over, I felt this change. Very overwhelming. Luckily for me, my friend was very supportive and totally cool about everything.

A few months later, things haven't changed much. Sometimes I feel like I might as well give up trying and settle for less. Little faith or hope. But this lack of direction is becoming more and more frustrating and so I intend to do something about it. Build up some spirituality again.

I'm writing this down so there's no longer an escape not to do it. Telling all of you makes it definite.

Friends, or more than that?

2007-09-22T12:51:00.000-07:00

I've been wondering what the difference is between friendship and a relationship. Some people have told me 'sex' is the only difference. I think it is more than that. But I find it hard to seperate feelings I would have for a close friend and feelings I would have for a person I have a relationship with.

I think a friend is someone you hang out with and have fun with. But I think it is more than that. A friend is someone you share with. Good things, bad things. You support each other when things are rough. By sharing part of your life, you influence each other. You are willing to sacrifice for their well being. Your friends continue to look for the good in you even though sometimes they will see that you're far from perfect. You make an effort to unconditionally love your friends, even though you don't love everything about them. Their opinion matters to you and they also value your opinion. Friends help you grow.

When does this start to become more than friendship? When you're physically attracted to the other person? I think it is more than that. But I don't know how much more. Is it the amount of influence you have on each other? Your willingness to leave other things (and friends?) behind because you prefer being with this one person? When you find out you have many dreams and goals you have in common? Just a simple moment when you decide to make this person the priority in your life?

I am wondering if I put friendship right up there with a relationship, because I can be friends with other guys, but can't be in a relationship with one. A vicarious relationship if you will, lived through some really close (male) friendships that some might say go beyond the point of a normal friendship.

And if that is the case, how healthy is it for me (and the other person) to have such a close friendship...

End of the month

2007-07-31T14:38:00.000-07:00

Just thought I'd blog about the debate I'm in, whether or not to write some useless post before the end of the month. Just so I won't go an entire month without writing anything.

Accepting

2007-06-11T13:39:00.000-07:00

The words and music of this hymn (hymn 124) are just amazing:

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
to guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet a last.

Just very powerful when you really let it sink in and give the Spirit a chance to testify.

Just once

2007-05-21T10:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a rough day. Everything was ok, and yet nothing was. Church was nice, hung out with some people after church which was fun, and yet I came out feeling alone and out of place. Just this feeling that nobody really cared. I was tired too, that never helps.

So many times I've told myself that if I could just hold a guy once, or kiss a guy once, then I would know how it was and I could move on. Just once, and then on to never having to do it again, because I'd know what it was. I felt like that yesterday.

One of the speakers in the April Conference said 'The adversary will have very little power to tempt you with things that you have never touched'.

If the temptation to cross lines that I haven't crossed is already this big, then I don't think I could resist the tempation to cross the same line again once I've crossed it once. Unless it turns out that holding a guy doesn't do anything for me of course :-).

It is so wise. It sounds so easy. It feels so unfair. Why am I not willing to submit.

The big picture is what I need to see.

2007-05-16T11:42:00.000-07:00

This is one I should remember, so I'd better write it down:

Pres. Kimball (quoted in this week's priesthood/relief society lesson): 'As I study the story of the Redeemer and his temptations, I am certain he spent his time fortifying himself against temptation rather than battling with it to conquer it.'

The best way to fortify ourselves against temptation is focusing on doing good. If I spend all my time thinking about how I'm going to give up my bad habits, then that focus just about puts the tempation right there in my face. Christ suffered temptations, but 'gave no heed unto them'. The key is to stop temptation at the very beginning, when it's still small and weak. I almost have to laugh at how easy that sounds :-)

It is a constant battle. But it can be a battle to do good instead of a battle not to do evil.

Finally

2007-04-26T13:35:00.000-07:00

I finally bought the all-famous In Quiet Desperation. I'm excited to read it.

And I finally for the first time ever told someone about my SSA. It was intense. Still is at times. Decided to tell the one friend I wrote about before. I'll have to write more about it. Haven't written anything for such a long time that I don't know where to begin. On top of that, I don't have a lot of time right now. I do want to write it all down somewhere though, so I won't forget.

So I guess this post is pretty useless this way. Sorry. This one's mainly for myself, to get back to writing a little more often again.

Arrgh

2007-03-07T10:13:00.000-08:00

I feel empty today. I don't see myself in a church approved relationship. I don't see myself being happy outside the church, knowing it is true. I don't like the thought of being single the rest of my life. Any other options?

I feel this way today because I'm sort of stressing about something that happened last night. I was talking to my friend, the one that is good at asking questions, and he asked a question that was impossible to answer without it leading to talking about my SSA. I couldn't answer the question. I couldn't lie to him either. I respect and value him too much for that. So I was quiet. It was painful. By not saying anything, I was saying there was something to tell, but I wasn't going to. I told him I do trust him. He said it was not a problem and he respects it if there's something that is too intense to talk about right now. I believe he means it when he says that, too. Still, this feels like a point of no return. Either I open up, with the possibility of making things weird between us or the possibility of actually strengthening our friendship. Or I never tell him and our friendship is damaged because there's certain things we obviously don't talk about.

I keep thinking that if I were to open up to someone, the other person should somehow benefit from it too. There should be a reason for him or her to know. I wonder if that really is the case. I wonder if in this case there is enough reason. I can see how it might actually hurt him if he found out. Maybe more than it would hurt him if he just knew I keep certain things from him because they are too personal. I guess the question is what would hurt him more.

Do I care too much about our friendship? Am I in too deep? For the longest time I felt I would never get past SSA, if I get past it at all, without first having a strong friendship. That is what we have. And I care about it a great deal. It is amazing. It is helping me see things in myself that I didn't see before. It allows me to care for someone without expecting anything back. It makes life better and more fun. In certain ways it gives me hope. I love the intimacy, not referring to any commandment-breaking physical intimacy.

In certain ways it is risky, because it seems related to male companionship and I might not be able to ever move away from it.

Anyways, I started writing hoping it would give me a better idea of what to do. Even though I'm writing a lot of maybes, mights, and i wonders, it has.

Also, at the beginning I said I don't see myself in a church approved relationship. That's not entirely true. I may not see it today, but sometimes I do. The feeling never seems to last long enough though.

Tuesday

2007-02-06T11:02:00.000-08:00

Today is not a normal tuesday, is it?

Looking at some of the recents posts makes me wonder what great thing is going around. People moving forward and taking important decisions and writing miraculously sensible things. Very inspiring!

Have nothing to add to it, really. Just enjoying it for now...

Staying in or coming out - part 2

2007-01-31T14:43:00.000-08:00

So frustrating. One of my best friends is trying to get me to go on this date with this girl. He has no idea why I wouldn't ask her. Well actually, I'm not so sure about that. He is trying to find out what's keeping me and he's pretty good at asking the right questions. So we've been talking about why it never became more serious with girls I liked in the past and and why I wouldn't show any initiative as far as dating or wanting to be married, things like that. Try talking about that, wanting to be open and honest and also not wanting to talk about the big SSA... At one point I said I wasn't sure I could really have someone else as the number one priority in my life and he added something like 'you mean a woman'. That could mean he's hinting at something, right?

I hate it how I have to beat around the bush. I feel bad because he probably realizes there's more to it than what I'm telling and that doesn't really go well together with the fact that we constantly tell each other how much we enjoy how close our friendship is.

I have to give him credit though and say that if he does think there's something else, then he would also see that obviously it's something I don't easily talk about, and respect that. I'm actually pretty sure he would be supportive. Our friendship could get stronger if I opened up, but there's also a chance it would make things weird between us. I mean, would we still go on trips or talk about moving in together. And on the other hand, I don't want to lose a friend because I keep a distance.

Also, I think once you've told someone then somehow you'll end up telling someone else or people will somehow find out. The thought of it being out there for everyone is still very uncomfortable.

Maybe I have to come to terms more with my SSA and the thought that it may not go away ever. I haven't accepted that.

OK, enough. The reason I'm writing this, is that I'm hoping there's someone that has some advice. Use iovaniovanAThotmailDOTcom if that's better. I hesitate doing this, because I don't like asking for advice directly. I mean, if someone has something to share then that's nice, if not that's ok too. And of course other people can't know what's best for me. But I'm just looking for ideas others may have about this. Or experiences maybe. When is it a good idea to come out. When is it a bad idea. Don't people know anyways, whether you tell them or not.

Oh yeah. I'm not considering coming out because of this one possible date or just because I recently had another one of these talks with my friend. This has been on my mind for a while. Just trying to figure out how to deal with it...

Friends

2007-01-23T11:26:00.000-08:00

Just want to say how happy I am to have friends who are not afraid to tell me they love me! It is so powerful!

I think love is the ultimate motivator. It doesn't even matter whether it is someone loving you or you loving someone else. To me, feeling it makes just makes me want to be nothing but good. Like I can achieve anything because somewhere on this planet there is someone I have this connection with.

Too bad I don't always feel it :-)

I love this part from the Chili Pepper song My friends:

I heard a little girl
And what she said
was something beautiful
To give your love
no matter what
is what she said

I realize that you can replace the word 'friends' in the first sentence of this post with words like parents, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, children, leaders, primary teachers, bus drivers, or pretty much any other type of persons. It's just that recently I have been strengthened a great deal by the love I feel from (and for) some special friends. And God. Thank you.

Pick me! Pick me!

2007-01-06T01:49:00.000-08:00

The holidays were good. Nice to spend time with family and friends and family of friends. I am blessed with a bunch of great people around me. How weird is it then, that I would still feel alone sometimes. Especially while being in a group of people, I can all of a sudden feel left out. Like those people are just tolerating me being there instead of really enjoying my company.

I realize I'm making myself feel that way, it's not my friends. It's the way I interpret what they might say or do at that time. It's a fear of being deserted, a fear that people might prefer the company of others to my exclusive company :-( It feels like a freak combination of insecurity and pride.

Up until a while ago I was OK with being single. Gradually this changed into thinking it would also be OK to have someone to share life with, to thinking it might be nice to have someone like that, to thinking at some point I really want someone to choose me as the number one person in their life. This goes both ways of course, I also want to have someone else as the number one person in my life. Great strength would come from it.

I wrote 'someone to choose me as the number one person in their life', which is gramatically incorrect. I wrote it anyway because I couldn't choose between writing in his life or in her life. Right now neither one feels right. I'm not sure I could go as deep into a relationship with a woman as needed, but choosing to be with a man doesn't feel like it would bring me everything I want either.

So I'm single, and not pursuing anything else for now. Most of the times that's OK.

"Mine arm is lengthened out all the day long, saith the Lord God of Hosts" (2 Nephi 28:32). Choosing to ignore his arm doesn't really help either. I really should be more humble.

Not such quiet desperation

2007-01-05T15:22:00.000-08:00

So I am at this bookstore, trying to buy In Quiet Desperation. I don't see it, so after some hesitation (big bookstore with lots of people) I decide to ask. The guy I ask looks it up in their system and gets all excited when he finds it. He says: Yes! I found it: In Quiet Desperation - Understanding the ...challenge of...same...gender attraction.... Major slowing down while reading this out loud. And then he looks at me and gives me the biggest smile! I actually think he knew about the challenge. And I had to tell him yes, that's what I'm looking for. So funny I actually forgot to be embarrassed.

They could have ordered it, but I was visiting in another city and it wouldn't have gotten there in time. I'll get a copy some day...

There. I've started writing again. Hopefully this will help me write about the things that are really on my mind at the moment.

Sacrifice brings blessings?

2006-11-17T13:23:00.000-08:00

The other day I heard somebody quote Saint Augustine: Oh Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

It made me smile. I feel like I am trying to 'overcome' SSA and deal with it the right way, and yet somewhere deep inside I don't really want to give it up. Not entirely. Not yet.

Coming unto Christ involves sacrifice. I know that maybe if we look at what lies ahead, it can't even be considered a sacrifice. And yet, being where we are, that's what it feels like. I feel like I am asked to give up the chance to love and be loved in the way love can exist between two people who commit to each other. But maybe there are other places to find the same intensity of love, now or in the future. And maybe I forget that God's love is the source of any other kind of love, and that all I have to do to find his love, is accept it.

I guess finding enough faith to sacrifice is a pretty universal theme, seeing how this Saint Augustine already struggled with it 1600 years ago...

2 months and still no title

2006-11-02T10:06:00.000-08:00

I really should come up with a name for this blog...

The reasons I started it in the first place:
1. I came across AtP's blog, it being the second or third blog I saw I think, and loved it so much that I just wanted to tell him that. I had to. Unfortunately, his blog didn't allow anonymous comments, so I made my own. AtP, if you by any chance should read this, don't want to make you uncomfortable. I still think this was a good thing!
2. I've kept a journal for a while now and learned that writing helps me unravel my mind. Well, somewhat anyways. Having to find the words makes me think about what it is I want to say exactly. I've never written anything about being gay in my journal. My firm belief in Murphy's law makes me afraid that if I should mention anything about it, somehow somebody will find it lying around the house and read it, within 24 hours. How uncomfortable. It hit me that the safest place for my most private thoughts would maybe be the internet - only one world population watching basically! Ha ha, the irony....

Thing is, it has really helped me. I don't think I'm writing anything new, profound or interesting. I am writing my story though, and it's helping me to see things more clearly. Hopefully see them as they really are.

I continue to draw strength from reading other blogs. I've already commented on how much of a difference it's made to realize I'm part of a group. A sincere thank you to anyone who reads this.

Man, how did this get so serious again? You should read my other journal, it's pure fun and happy times :)

Anyway, I'll change the name of this blog when I think of something good.

Leave it behind

2006-10-26T16:12:00.000-07:00

What a cruel thing sleep is sometimes! Sometimes I go to bed feeling all determined and spiritual and at peace, and then the next morning I wake up feeling like I have to start completely over again. It happened to me earlier this week. I woke up feeling like nothing was ever going to get better and why try. The night before, I was fine. It's evened out a little bit again. Maybe I'm just not a morning person...

Anyway, I came across some posts about change on other blogs. That's still on my mind as well. Since I started my blogging adventures (reading and writing), I've been more open to the idea that my attraction to men is not going to change into attraction to women in this life. Thing is, that's not what I want though! I have not been able to accept that. I don't want that to be the outcome of my search for guidance and truth. What about the scriptures saying with God, nothing is impossible. What about God not giving us commandments without preparing a way to keep them. Is the thought that this also applies to leaving SSA behind too simple? Last night, while reading another other's post on change, it just hurt me to think that change wouldn't be possible. It feels like saying certain ingredients of a happy life were just kept from a large number of good people. It only seems fair that everybody should at least have a chance to find another person to share life with, within the limits God has set. I cried thinking about the difficulty of such a journey, mostly feeling the loneliness of it.

I'm not sure change is possible. I believe any challenge in life is given to us for a reason. Ultimately, to lead us back to God through Christ. Some challenges we may overcome, while others will stay with us because they continue to serve their purpose. It just calls for a great deal of perspective to be able to accept that. God is just.

I will continue to hope for change unless somehow I learn that for me the healing will have to wait till the life hereafter. I trust that if that should be the case, God will also comfort me in this (and comfort I will need...). Faith is not a perfect knowledge. It means letting go and walking a certain direction without actually seeing the destination. We will not get to know the destination unless we work to get there. Revelation comes while we're pressing forward and moving. Faith is a principle of action. It is also a hope for things which are true. God can't give us faith in something that isn't true.

And so I continue, sometimes waking up without vision and sometimes with a vision. Letting go is hard. I hope to not only have this determination in my mind, but also in my heart.

2006-10-22T13:36:00.000-07:00

I came across this scripture earlier this morning. Something that happened to Moses when he went up mount Sinai:

"And the Lord descended in the cloud, and stood with him there, and proclaimed the name of the Lord.
"And the Lord passed by before him, and proclaimed, The Lord, The Lord God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering and abundant in goodness and truth
(Exodus 34:5-6)

I wish I had the exact words to describe what I have been learning. I just feel very blessed that I am getting to know The Lord God better, experiencing his attributes mentioned above.

Staying in or coming out

2006-10-13T14:51:00.000-07:00

With everything that's in my head at the moment, this may not be very coherent. I'll risk it. So many different things I want to write about, and actually that has kept me from writing anything.

Can I deal with SSA by myself? In General Conference, Richard G. Scott used the example of rock climbing. There are people who climbs rocks alone, without equipment, companions or secure protection. Then there are those who climb with a companion and use ropes and anchors and other equipment. Elder Scott counsels: "Do not solo in life. You will almost certainly fall into transgression".

Up until now I have not sought help from anyone else. I have asked myself the question whether it is necessary for me to open up to others about this. Hearing elder Scott speak, and watching the little video of the rock climbers they showed during his talk, sort of felt like an answer to this question. It may not be impossible to deal with it by myself, but the chances of really finding peace with it are probably higher if I do decide to involve others.

I have actually know this for a long time, but I haven't done it. Why? I'm afraid people will stop thinking of me as someone who's got his act together (well, I like to think that's how people think of me anyways :-)). I'm afraid my male friends will think or at least wonder about me having developed any special interests in them. I'm afraid people will be cool about it to my face, but will joke about it or judge me behind my back. I'm afraid the young men or their parents might all of a sudden feel a little weird about those sleepovers at my house (during which absolutely nothing inappropriate happened by the way, nor did I ever want it to!!). I'm afraid I will be labeled as 'gay' or even 'ex-gay' forever, even if I do manage do put it behind me. I'm afraid people will never really trust me again. I'm afraid I will not be able to trust other people anymore. And I just don't want people to know about my weaknesses.

I realize these reasons are based on the fear of man. So not the best reasons. I want to say the real reason is pride. Maybe a little bit of shame too. That I haven't been able to overcome, or that I've let it come this far.

I do think people, or at least some people, will react in the ways I described above. People are people. What I should lose is the fear of that reaction. Just accept it and remember that what other people think is not important when it comes to my eternal progression. Yes, humble myself.

Like so many others I have been longing for friendship and intimacy. However, it seems impossible to really connect with people if I have to hide this part about me. Many times when I talk to friends I can't really tell them how I'm doing or what's been going on in my life because they don't know. So in my relationships with people I can only get to this certain level of sharing and connecting.

In a way I want to come out to people. I would love having someone that knew everything about me, just so I could be completely open and honest. That when I am with this person, I don't have to worry about showing too much of me. Even thinking about it is a liberating experience.

Who to talk to though. Select a friend I feel I can trust enough? A priesthood leader? Someone in my family? Somehow talking to someone that experiences the same thing feels the most secure. Not only would they understand better what comes along with being mormon and experiencing SSA, but also I think they'd have a better understanding of the importance of confidentiality.

Anyways, I'd write about some of the other things that have been on my mind, but I can't. Not without ending up using the word 'I' more than 50 times in one post anyway. Some boundaries are just not be crossed... To be continued...

Speaking unexpected truth

2006-10-07T13:41:00.000-07:00

I was on a trip with some friends once. This one day we were on the busiest train ever, and everybody got off the train at the same station we did. So picture a large crowd of people, moving slowly along the platform towards the exit. Somehow my friends got ahead of me and I was sort of trailing behind, waiting for the crowd to disperse enough to catch up with the others again.

In front of me there's this guy that has my attention. A few other people in between, but when he looks around to watch the crowd, I see him noticing me too. He slows down, almost subtle enough to make it look like a casual thing. Then he's next to me and he starts talking. Just chitchat, where are you from, how do you like our country, (again i must have stood out as the foreigner...), all very innocent and very nice I must say. We have about two minutes or so till we get out of the train station where normally we'd be heading in different directions. My friends must have not missed me because they're still nowhere in sight. While we're still walking, my new local friend then completely catches me off guard by motioning towards a public restroom, telling me he's going there and asking me to come along with him and saying let's go. Realizing what he is really suggesting, I say "I can't, I am here with friends".

I can't, I am here with friends.

I so should have said I was not interested. I should have felt I was not interested. But my first reaction to his unexpected move made me realize that apparently somewhere in my mind acting out had become an option. It was an eye opener. Now I was dealing with something different than I had been up until then.

Even without people waiting for me, I still wouldn't have gone with him. The idea was way too far off of what I thought myself capable of doing. He mumbled something like OK, that's cool, have a good one, and we went seperate ways.

Funny thing is that up until today this random person, who I know nothing about, is the only person in the world from whom I've not hidden the fact that I am attracted to men.

Where and when - tell me now please

2006-10-04T13:56:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm breaking away out of this circle that I've been in for a long time now. I like it. And at the same I start feeling the weight of some of the choices and consequences that might lie ahead.

I'm sure I got more out of Conference than I would have if I hadn't written down some questions before. It helped me personalize the talks - it felt like a lot of things that were said were somehow related or an answer to the questions I'd put down earlier. The extra focus made me see things I don't think I would have seen otherwise. I'd like to say that I did it on purpose - truth is, I just happened to organize my mind a bit before being exposed to the overdose of stories, teachings, counsels and truths that is called Conference. Very cool.

So maybe I don't need to know beforehand whether or not change is possible. I was thinking 'begin with the end in mind'. I still support that, but feel I was not focused on the right end before. The destination is eternal life, not overcoming homosexuality. I should find out if that is a goal that can be reached. If it is, then somewhere along that journey we will lose or put behind us anything that keeps us away from it. Exactly where or when does not really matter then.

Still, since I don't have my eyes set on eternity all the time, it'd be nice to get a better idea of what the possibilities are while in this life. If some things are not possible, then I don't want to be frustrated trying to get them anyway. And if some things are possible, then I should work at wanting them bad enough to put forth the necessary effort.

I guess I'm saying maybe I don't need to know, but oh, it'd be so nice :)

2006-09-30T14:47:00.000-07:00

What I wanted to write last night but didn't because I decided it was too late:

Christ overcame sin and death. I can't really remember having serious doubts about life after death or the resurrection. Christ paying the price for all sin (including mine) has been a lot harder to understand. Sometimes I think I have been 'given' same sex attraction to make sure that I would come to apply and understand this part of the atonement. I would not seek for it without having to deal with things that seem bigger than me.

Yesterday I also thought it would be nice if they'd speak about SSA in general conference. I only had to wait for the first talk... From the talk it became even clearer to me that dealing with the experience involves the atonement. I should really strive to get to know Jesus as my Savior. People speak of applying the atonement, I will have to seek for a better understanding of how this is done. I don't know if it would lead to a complete change of my attractions. The talk was not specific about that either (question number 1 remains unanswered...). Elder Oaks, before specifically speaking about same gender attraction, said something like 'Sometimes Christ heals us by giving us strength to bear the burden instead of removing the burden'.

Anyway, even though I still have a lot of questions, I thought it was nice to hear the topic being addressed in general conference, and not just in one sentence as an example of sinful behavior :)

Thirteen questions

2006-09-29T15:26:00.000-07:00

Just some random questions:
1. Can SSA/homosexuality be completely overcome?
2. Is it necessary to understand where my SSA comes from before I can deal with it, or is it possible to just accept that I have these feelings and then deal with them?
3. Is it possible to deal with SSA without help from others? If not, where do I go for help?
4. Is being in a relationship before getting a better understanding of all of this going to be helpful or harmful (also thinking about the other person)?
5. What is the influence of acting out on my same sex attractions while dealing with SSA - do I start with obedience to the law of chastity, or is that something that can come later?
6. Should I seek contact with other people experiencing SSA or should I focus on good and meaningful relationships with straight people?
7. Should I focus on developing deeper relationships with women?
8. Are there any other issues I should address if I want to fully address SSA? What are they?
9. Is SSA a sexual thing or is it a matter of underlying issues?
10. Would I be able to develop heterosexual attractions towards women? (Can I change the fact that a woman has to be drop dead gorgeous before I'm even remotely attracted to her, while even an average looking guy immediately seems to attract my attention?)
11. Is the answer found in developing deeper relationships with men or maybe with one man in particular, and then finding out the nature of the needs that are met?
12. What can contribute to my motivation to deal with this (which ever way it goes) and not give up?
13. How will I know the right answers to some of the yes or no questions?

This is not a complete list. Some of these questions may become more specific in the future while others may turn out to be irrelevant. New questions will come I'm sure.

The answers to some of these questions may seem obvious. I put them here anyway because I feel I need to address them more fully and really make the answers 'my answers'. This will give me more motivation to actually do something with them.

I put down question number one because it is a starting point. The answer 'no' would basically result in a totally different set of quesions. The fact that I didn't write down those questions shows that up until now I have assumed SSA can be overcome. However, I realize I may not have given any other answer a serious chance. I need to internalize the answer to this question before going anywhere else. It makes question number one the first one to work on.

A more personal question I will have to ask myself: If change is possible, do I really want it?

No longer alone

2006-09-25T13:41:00.000-07:00

Being a city boy, I went to live in this tiny Latin American village once, without speaking Spanish. Even though I loved it from the beginning, I was definitely the stranger out there. Everybody speaking this language that I hardly understood, nobody understanding the language that I spoke. On top of that, unfamiliar social rules on how to behave and spending all of my time around people whose lives had been very different than mine up until then. A different society really. Yes, they laughed at me - and it really was funny!

Then, after a couple of weeks, I met this guy from New York. He'd sort of been going through the same thing. Finally, communication! Somebody that spoke the same language. Somebody who only needed half a sentence to understand where I was coming from. Someone to share all these new impressions and experiences and feelings with. No way we could have not spent the rest of that day together.

I have felt the same excitement coming across some of the gay mormon blogs that are out there. It's great to discover people who speak the same language. Great to read about thoughts and feelings I really relate to. Maybe the questions and opinions will help me figure out what to do with this SSA. They say there's strength in numbers, but right now I also feel great comfort in numbers. Simply knowing there's other people who face the same thing has made it easier for me already.

Choices

2006-09-16T15:18:00.000-07:00

Character: the ability to carry out a decision after the emotion of making the decision has past. I could use some more of that. I mean, at times I am determined to do everything right. Love God, love myself, love and strengthen everybody else. This happens when I feel the Spirit strongly or when life is just treating me good. Then somewhere down the line these emotions will become weaker and other emotions and desires become increasingly important again. Eventually this results in falling back into old habits or leaving new habits behind.

Does it all come down to desire? Simply nurturing your desires for good enough to keep doing good? For the longest time I have wondered how to control desires. Or even more: how to start having a particular righteous desire. If I don't seem to have it in the first place, how can I nurture it.

I know it's natural to have desires for good and desires for evil. But how to make the desires for good the strongest I don't know. Sometimes I just don't want these righteous desires. And sometimes while making bad choices I realize I don't want to be doing those things, but I do them anyway. I guess that's all part of life and finding out what we're made of though. Something every person must learn, I don't think this is any different for me than it is for somebody else.

I realize all of this is still pretty vague. I guess picking the word rambling as part of my URL was a good choice :) I hope that by writing these thoughts down, it'll become clear to me what all my struggles are really about. I look at what I'm writing and think it may take a while...

Oh about my appreciation for the word to heal - I found another great word: Nantucket. Saw it on somebody's t-shirt the other day. I don't know, it just sounds nice when you say it.

Stuck

2006-09-12T09:42:00.000-07:00

The other day I got stuck reading Mosiah 14. I read it over and over again for at least half an hour or so. Didn't want to continue my reading with the next chapter, because this one really spoke to me:

"He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
"But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.
"He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth; he is brought as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb so he opened not his mouth. (Mosiah 14:3,5,7, or I guess the same is found in Isaiah 53...)

What a strange but wonderful thing it is that somebody else atoned for my falling short!

Maybe my favorite word in the english language is the word to heal. I guess it is because of the joy and peace that speaks from it. To be whole, after having experienced griefs and after being broken. What a great feeling. What great love Christ has for us, and how impressive his conduct and the way he fulfilled his part.

I truly believe I can only be fully whole with somebody by my side, in an eternal marriage covenant. A strange thing to say maybe, because often I wish it were different. Can't this fulness of love be found without such a relationship i wonder.

Testing

2006-08-31T14:49:00.000-07:00

Sorry, no new insights on why we are tested or what it takes to pass. Just testing how this blogging thing works...