December resolutions
When I told my friend about my SSA, everything sort of changed. Before, I kind of felt that I would somehow work my way through it and when I would have learned what I needed to learn, my feelings would change and I would move on and get married.
Teling someone made it very definite. It no longer felt like something temporary or something I struggled with. Now it was something that seemed part of me. There was no longer an escape. I could never deny it anymore, since someone knew the truth. Immediately after the rush of finally having told someone was over, I felt this change. Very overwhelming. Luckily for me, my friend was very supportive and totally cool about everything.
A few months later, things haven't changed much. Sometimes I feel like I might as well give up trying and settle for less. Little faith or hope. But this lack of direction is becoming more and more frustrating and so I intend to do something about it. Build up some spirituality again.
I'm writing this down so there's no longer an escape not to do it. Telling all of you makes it definite.
Teling someone made it very definite. It no longer felt like something temporary or something I struggled with. Now it was something that seemed part of me. There was no longer an escape. I could never deny it anymore, since someone knew the truth. Immediately after the rush of finally having told someone was over, I felt this change. Very overwhelming. Luckily for me, my friend was very supportive and totally cool about everything.
A few months later, things haven't changed much. Sometimes I feel like I might as well give up trying and settle for less. Little faith or hope. But this lack of direction is becoming more and more frustrating and so I intend to do something about it. Build up some spirituality again.
I'm writing this down so there's no longer an escape not to do it. Telling all of you makes it definite.
posted by iovan at 2:17 AM
2 Comments:
I found that while I was hiding it, the hope that I would change was ever there, as unrealistic and damaging as it was. As soon as I started telling people, that started to slip away. Yes it is much more permanent, but I also feel that my expectations about it are more realistic.
Whether we like it or not, I think that homosexuality is permanent for the majority of people, and admitting that is an important step.
What you're experiencing is called the grieving process. This is a normal part of human behavior, and its a progressive way of dealing with something traumatic in our lives; such as the loss of a loved one, something precious, or even a goal like getting married. Its not an easy thing to go through. In your case you lost the hope that this would just "go away" on its own and you could be "normal" as society defines it.
Most of us have been where you are, and the best thing to do is talk it out. Get those feelings out on the table and deal with them. Some people can indeed change, and some people can't. I think its healthy to be realistic about things, but I also think we should keep our options open. Life is full of surprises, after all.
If you need someone to talk to, just shoot me an e-mail.
Best regards,
Neal
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