Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Staying in or coming out - part 2

So frustrating. One of my best friends is trying to get me to go on this date with this girl. He has no idea why I wouldn't ask her. Well actually, I'm not so sure about that. He is trying to find out what's keeping me and he's pretty good at asking the right questions. So we've been talking about why it never became more serious with girls I liked in the past and and why I wouldn't show any initiative as far as dating or wanting to be married, things like that. Try talking about that, wanting to be open and honest and also not wanting to talk about the big SSA... At one point I said I wasn't sure I could really have someone else as the number one priority in my life and he added something like 'you mean a woman'. That could mean he's hinting at something, right?

I hate it how I have to beat around the bush. I feel bad because he probably realizes there's more to it than what I'm telling and that doesn't really go well together with the fact that we constantly tell each other how much we enjoy how close our friendship is.

I have to give him credit though and say that if he does think there's something else, then he would also see that obviously it's something I don't easily talk about, and respect that. I'm actually pretty sure he would be supportive. Our friendship could get stronger if I opened up, but there's also a chance it would make things weird between us. I mean, would we still go on trips or talk about moving in together. And on the other hand, I don't want to lose a friend because I keep a distance.

Also, I think once you've told someone then somehow you'll end up telling someone else or people will somehow find out. The thought of it being out there for everyone is still very uncomfortable.

Maybe I have to come to terms more with my SSA and the thought that it may not go away ever. I haven't accepted that.

OK, enough. The reason I'm writing this, is that I'm hoping there's someone that has some advice. Use iovaniovanAThotmailDOTcom if that's better. I hesitate doing this, because I don't like asking for advice directly. I mean, if someone has something to share then that's nice, if not that's ok too. And of course other people can't know what's best for me. But I'm just looking for ideas others may have about this. Or experiences maybe. When is it a good idea to come out. When is it a bad idea. Don't people know anyways, whether you tell them or not.

Oh yeah. I'm not considering coming out because of this one possible date or just because I recently had another one of these talks with my friend. This has been on my mind for a while. Just trying to figure out how to deal with it...

2 Comments:

Blogger agirlwho said...

Well, I don't fully understand how things are from your side, but I am the friend of many men who deal with SSA. Who do you talk to about this right now? Do you only blog about it? Does your family know? If you don't have anyone in "real life" to talk to about it, you might want to consider telling your best friend about it. I didn't know about my friends for about a year. When each told me, I tried my best to be sensitive to them and not overreact. Now I understand a lot more and I am glad they told me. I love them even more. Your friend might be guessing and that serves as kind of a brick wall. If you tell him, your friendship might take on a deeper level and become even better. I hope this helped a little.

2/01/2007 7:41 PM  
Blogger Samantha said...

I never told my roommates when I was living with them--partly because heterosexual girls are fairly physical naturally, and I didn't want them to start feeling that they had to watch themselves all the time. Truthfully, I wasn't really attracted to any of them, and there were a couple who would definitely have been supportive and loving. I just felt it would be a good idea to keep it to myself as long as we lived together.

However, I also dated guys quite a bit, so there weren't really any questions. It's a dilemma, for sure.

2/02/2007 7:19 PM  

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