Thursday, October 26, 2006

Leave it behind

What a cruel thing sleep is sometimes! Sometimes I go to bed feeling all determined and spiritual and at peace, and then the next morning I wake up feeling like I have to start completely over again. It happened to me earlier this week. I woke up feeling like nothing was ever going to get better and why try. The night before, I was fine. It's evened out a little bit again. Maybe I'm just not a morning person...

Anyway, I came across some posts about change on other blogs. That's still on my mind as well. Since I started my blogging adventures (reading and writing), I've been more open to the idea that my attraction to men is not going to change into attraction to women in this life. Thing is, that's not what I want though! I have not been able to accept that. I don't want that to be the outcome of my search for guidance and truth. What about the scriptures saying with God, nothing is impossible. What about God not giving us commandments without preparing a way to keep them. Is the thought that this also applies to leaving SSA behind too simple? Last night, while reading another other's post on change, it just hurt me to think that change wouldn't be possible. It feels like saying certain ingredients of a happy life were just kept from a large number of good people. It only seems fair that everybody should at least have a chance to find another person to share life with, within the limits God has set. I cried thinking about the difficulty of such a journey, mostly feeling the loneliness of it.

I'm not sure change is possible. I believe any challenge in life is given to us for a reason. Ultimately, to lead us back to God through Christ. Some challenges we may overcome, while others will stay with us because they continue to serve their purpose. It just calls for a great deal of perspective to be able to accept that. God is just.

I will continue to hope for change unless somehow I learn that for me the healing will have to wait till the life hereafter. I trust that if that should be the case, God will also comfort me in this (and comfort I will need...). Faith is not a perfect knowledge. It means letting go and walking a certain direction without actually seeing the destination. We will not get to know the destination unless we work to get there. Revelation comes while we're pressing forward and moving. Faith is a principle of action. It is also a hope for things which are true. God can't give us faith in something that isn't true.

And so I continue, sometimes waking up without vision and sometimes with a vision. Letting go is hard. I hope to not only have this determination in my mind, but also in my heart.


Blogger epadavito said...

this could be like a talk at sacrament - way way good.....

10/27/2006 12:26 PM  

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