Saturday, January 06, 2007

Pick me! Pick me!

The holidays were good. Nice to spend time with family and friends and family of friends. I am blessed with a bunch of great people around me. How weird is it then, that I would still feel alone sometimes. Especially while being in a group of people, I can all of a sudden feel left out. Like those people are just tolerating me being there instead of really enjoying my company.

I realize I'm making myself feel that way, it's not my friends. It's the way I interpret what they might say or do at that time. It's a fear of being deserted, a fear that people might prefer the company of others to my exclusive company :-( It feels like a freak combination of insecurity and pride.

Up until a while ago I was OK with being single. Gradually this changed into thinking it would also be OK to have someone to share life with, to thinking it might be nice to have someone like that, to thinking at some point I really want someone to choose me as the number one person in their life. This goes both ways of course, I also want to have someone else as the number one person in my life. Great strength would come from it.

I wrote 'someone to choose me as the number one person in their life', which is gramatically incorrect. I wrote it anyway because I couldn't choose between writing in his life or in her life. Right now neither one feels right. I'm not sure I could go as deep into a relationship with a woman as needed, but choosing to be with a man doesn't feel like it would bring me everything I want either.

So I'm single, and not pursuing anything else for now. Most of the times that's OK.

"Mine arm is lengthened out all the day long, saith the Lord God of Hosts" (2 Nephi 28:32). Choosing to ignore his arm doesn't really help either. I really should be more humble.


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