Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Arrgh

I feel empty today. I don't see myself in a church approved relationship. I don't see myself being happy outside the church, knowing it is true. I don't like the thought of being single the rest of my life. Any other options?

I feel this way today because I'm sort of stressing about something that happened last night. I was talking to my friend, the one that is good at asking questions, and he asked a question that was impossible to answer without it leading to talking about my SSA. I couldn't answer the question. I couldn't lie to him either. I respect and value him too much for that. So I was quiet. It was painful. By not saying anything, I was saying there was something to tell, but I wasn't going to. I told him I do trust him. He said it was not a problem and he respects it if there's something that is too intense to talk about right now. I believe he means it when he says that, too. Still, this feels like a point of no return. Either I open up, with the possibility of making things weird between us or the possibility of actually strengthening our friendship. Or I never tell him and our friendship is damaged because there's certain things we obviously don't talk about.

I keep thinking that if I were to open up to someone, the other person should somehow benefit from it too. There should be a reason for him or her to know. I wonder if that really is the case. I wonder if in this case there is enough reason. I can see how it might actually hurt him if he found out. Maybe more than it would hurt him if he just knew I keep certain things from him because they are too personal. I guess the question is what would hurt him more.

Do I care too much about our friendship? Am I in too deep? For the longest time I felt I would never get past SSA, if I get past it at all, without first having a strong friendship. That is what we have. And I care about it a great deal. It is amazing. It is helping me see things in myself that I didn't see before. It allows me to care for someone without expecting anything back. It makes life better and more fun. In certain ways it gives me hope. I love the intimacy, not referring to any commandment-breaking physical intimacy.

In certain ways it is risky, because it seems related to male companionship and I might not be able to ever move away from it.

Anyways, I started writing hoping it would give me a better idea of what to do. Even though I'm writing a lot of maybes, mights, and i wonders, it has.

Also, at the beginning I said I don't see myself in a church approved relationship. That's not entirely true. I may not see it today, but sometimes I do. The feeling never seems to last long enough though.

3 Comments:

Blogger agirlwho said...

I'm sorry that it's hard to have hope for the future. Sometimes it seems like we only have a couple options and sometimes they both suck. The great thing is, the Lord has much better plans for you than you have ever thought of. Keep in mind that his plan is to make you the happiest you've ever been. You can't even comprehend it. That's why right now sucks so bad. I hope this doesn't seem oversimplified, I've just heard so many similar things from my friends lately and I've said the same things to them. Trust that the Lord wants you to be happy. Put your life in his hands.

3/07/2007 9:50 PM  
Blogger Kengo Biddles said...

I'll just say this. Before Miki, I saw myself old and alone. I couldn't see a future. In my marriage to Helga, I couldn't see (or feel) our kids. But with Miki I can. It will come at the right time.

(I know. not what you wanted to hear.)

3/07/2007 10:30 PM  
Blogger MoHoHawaii said...

A few months ago you posted 13 questions. I took a stab at answering them based on my own experiences in dealing with SSA.

Best of luck to you.

3/17/2007 10:15 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home