Arrgh
I feel empty today. I don't see myself in a church approved relationship. I don't see myself being happy outside the church, knowing it is true. I don't like the thought of being single the rest of my life. Any other options?
I feel this way today because I'm sort of stressing about something that happened last night. I was talking to my friend, the one that is good at asking questions, and he asked a question that was impossible to answer without it leading to talking about my SSA. I couldn't answer the question. I couldn't lie to him either. I respect and value him too much for that. So I was quiet. It was painful. By not saying anything, I was saying there was something to tell, but I wasn't going to. I told him I do trust him. He said it was not a problem and he respects it if there's something that is too intense to talk about right now. I believe he means it when he says that, too. Still, this feels like a point of no return. Either I open up, with the possibility of making things weird between us or the possibility of actually strengthening our friendship. Or I never tell him and our friendship is damaged because there's certain things we obviously don't talk about.
I keep thinking that if I were to open up to someone, the other person should somehow benefit from it too. There should be a reason for him or her to know. I wonder if that really is the case. I wonder if in this case there is enough reason. I can see how it might actually hurt him if he found out. Maybe more than it would hurt him if he just knew I keep certain things from him because they are too personal. I guess the question is what would hurt him more.
Do I care too much about our friendship? Am I in too deep? For the longest time I felt I would never get past SSA, if I get past it at all, without first having a strong friendship. That is what we have. And I care about it a great deal. It is amazing. It is helping me see things in myself that I didn't see before. It allows me to care for someone without expecting anything back. It makes life better and more fun. In certain ways it gives me hope. I love the intimacy, not referring to any commandment-breaking physical intimacy.
In certain ways it is risky, because it seems related to male companionship and I might not be able to ever move away from it.
Anyways, I started writing hoping it would give me a better idea of what to do. Even though I'm writing a lot of maybes, mights, and i wonders, it has.
Also, at the beginning I said I don't see myself in a church approved relationship. That's not entirely true. I may not see it today, but sometimes I do. The feeling never seems to last long enough though.
I feel this way today because I'm sort of stressing about something that happened last night. I was talking to my friend, the one that is good at asking questions, and he asked a question that was impossible to answer without it leading to talking about my SSA. I couldn't answer the question. I couldn't lie to him either. I respect and value him too much for that. So I was quiet. It was painful. By not saying anything, I was saying there was something to tell, but I wasn't going to. I told him I do trust him. He said it was not a problem and he respects it if there's something that is too intense to talk about right now. I believe he means it when he says that, too. Still, this feels like a point of no return. Either I open up, with the possibility of making things weird between us or the possibility of actually strengthening our friendship. Or I never tell him and our friendship is damaged because there's certain things we obviously don't talk about.
I keep thinking that if I were to open up to someone, the other person should somehow benefit from it too. There should be a reason for him or her to know. I wonder if that really is the case. I wonder if in this case there is enough reason. I can see how it might actually hurt him if he found out. Maybe more than it would hurt him if he just knew I keep certain things from him because they are too personal. I guess the question is what would hurt him more.
Do I care too much about our friendship? Am I in too deep? For the longest time I felt I would never get past SSA, if I get past it at all, without first having a strong friendship. That is what we have. And I care about it a great deal. It is amazing. It is helping me see things in myself that I didn't see before. It allows me to care for someone without expecting anything back. It makes life better and more fun. In certain ways it gives me hope. I love the intimacy, not referring to any commandment-breaking physical intimacy.
In certain ways it is risky, because it seems related to male companionship and I might not be able to ever move away from it.
Anyways, I started writing hoping it would give me a better idea of what to do. Even though I'm writing a lot of maybes, mights, and i wonders, it has.
Also, at the beginning I said I don't see myself in a church approved relationship. That's not entirely true. I may not see it today, but sometimes I do. The feeling never seems to last long enough though.
posted by iovan at 10:13 AM
3 comments
