Update

Last time I blogged I sort of committed to do more things that would build spirituality. That's been hard. The flesh is willing and the spirit is weak :-)

Still working on it though...

December resolutions

When I told my friend about my SSA, everything sort of changed. Before, I kind of felt that I would somehow work my way through it and when I would have learned what I needed to learn, my feelings would change and I would move on and get married.

Teling someone made it very definite. It no longer felt like something temporary or something I struggled with. Now it was something that seemed part of me. There was no longer an escape. I could never deny it anymore, since someone knew the truth. Immediately after the rush of finally having told someone was over, I felt this change. Very overwhelming. Luckily for me, my friend was very supportive and totally cool about everything.

A few months later, things haven't changed much. Sometimes I feel like I might as well give up trying and settle for less. Little faith or hope. But this lack of direction is becoming more and more frustrating and so I intend to do something about it. Build up some spirituality again.

I'm writing this down so there's no longer an escape not to do it. Telling all of you makes it definite.

Friends, or more than that?

I've been wondering what the difference is between friendship and a relationship. Some people have told me 'sex' is the only difference. I think it is more than that. But I find it hard to seperate feelings I would have for a close friend and feelings I would have for a person I have a relationship with.

I think a friend is someone you hang out with and have fun with. But I think it is more than that. A friend is someone you share with. Good things, bad things. You support each other when things are rough. By sharing part of your life, you influence each other. You are willing to sacrifice for their well being. Your friends continue to look for the good in you even though sometimes they will see that you're far from perfect. You make an effort to unconditionally love your friends, even though you don't love everything about them. Their opinion matters to you and they also value your opinion. Friends help you grow.

When does this start to become more than friendship? When you're physically attracted to the other person? I think it is more than that. But I don't know how much more. Is it the amount of influence you have on each other? Your willingness to leave other things (and friends?) behind because you prefer being with this one person? When you find out you have many dreams and goals you have in common? Just a simple moment when you decide to make this person the priority in your life?

I am wondering if I put friendship right up there with a relationship, because I can be friends with other guys, but can't be in a relationship with one. A vicarious relationship if you will, lived through some really close (male) friendships that some might say go beyond the point of a normal friendship.

And if that is the case, how healthy is it for me (and the other person) to have such a close friendship...

End of the month

Just thought I'd blog about the debate I'm in, whether or not to write some useless post before the end of the month. Just so I won't go an entire month without writing anything.

Accepting

The words and music of this hymn (hymn 124) are just amazing:

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
to guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet a last.

Just very powerful when you really let it sink in and give the Spirit a chance to testify.

Just once

Yesterday was a rough day. Everything was ok, and yet nothing was. Church was nice, hung out with some people after church which was fun, and yet I came out feeling alone and out of place. Just this feeling that nobody really cared. I was tired too, that never helps.

So many times I've told myself that if I could just hold a guy once, or kiss a guy once, then I would know how it was and I could move on. Just once, and then on to never having to do it again, because I'd know what it was. I felt like that yesterday.

One of the speakers in the April Conference said 'The adversary will have very little power to tempt you with things that you have never touched'.

If the temptation to cross lines that I haven't crossed is already this big, then I don't think I could resist the tempation to cross the same line again once I've crossed it once. Unless it turns out that holding a guy doesn't do anything for me of course :-).

It is so wise. It sounds so easy. It feels so unfair. Why am I not willing to submit.

The big picture is what I need to see.

This is one I should remember, so I'd better write it down:

Pres. Kimball (quoted in this week's priesthood/relief society lesson): 'As I study the story of the Redeemer and his temptations, I am certain he spent his time fortifying himself against temptation rather than battling with it to conquer it.'

The best way to fortify ourselves against temptation is focusing on doing good. If I spend all my time thinking about how I'm going to give up my bad habits, then that focus just about puts the tempation right there in my face. Christ suffered temptations, but 'gave no heed unto them'. The key is to stop temptation at the very beginning, when it's still small and weak. I almost have to laugh at how easy that sounds :-)

It is a constant battle. But it can be a battle to do good instead of a battle not to do evil.