Leave it behind

What a cruel thing sleep is sometimes! Sometimes I go to bed feeling all determined and spiritual and at peace, and then the next morning I wake up feeling like I have to start completely over again. It happened to me earlier this week. I woke up feeling like nothing was ever going to get better and why try. The night before, I was fine. It's evened out a little bit again. Maybe I'm just not a morning person...

Anyway, I came across some posts about change on other blogs. That's still on my mind as well. Since I started my blogging adventures (reading and writing), I've been more open to the idea that my attraction to men is not going to change into attraction to women in this life. Thing is, that's not what I want though! I have not been able to accept that. I don't want that to be the outcome of my search for guidance and truth. What about the scriptures saying with God, nothing is impossible. What about God not giving us commandments without preparing a way to keep them. Is the thought that this also applies to leaving SSA behind too simple? Last night, while reading another other's post on change, it just hurt me to think that change wouldn't be possible. It feels like saying certain ingredients of a happy life were just kept from a large number of good people. It only seems fair that everybody should at least have a chance to find another person to share life with, within the limits God has set. I cried thinking about the difficulty of such a journey, mostly feeling the loneliness of it.

I'm not sure change is possible. I believe any challenge in life is given to us for a reason. Ultimately, to lead us back to God through Christ. Some challenges we may overcome, while others will stay with us because they continue to serve their purpose. It just calls for a great deal of perspective to be able to accept that. God is just.

I will continue to hope for change unless somehow I learn that for me the healing will have to wait till the life hereafter. I trust that if that should be the case, God will also comfort me in this (and comfort I will need...). Faith is not a perfect knowledge. It means letting go and walking a certain direction without actually seeing the destination. We will not get to know the destination unless we work to get there. Revelation comes while we're pressing forward and moving. Faith is a principle of action. It is also a hope for things which are true. God can't give us faith in something that isn't true.

And so I continue, sometimes waking up without vision and sometimes with a vision. Letting go is hard. I hope to not only have this determination in my mind, but also in my heart.

I came across this scripture earlier this morning. Something that happened to Moses when he went up mount Sinai:

"And the Lord descended in the cloud, and stood with him there, and proclaimed the name of the Lord.
"And the Lord passed by before him, and proclaimed, The Lord, The Lord God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering and abundant in goodness and truth
(Exodus 34:5-6)

I wish I had the exact words to describe what I have been learning. I just feel very blessed that I am getting to know The Lord God better, experiencing his attributes mentioned above.

Staying in or coming out

With everything that's in my head at the moment, this may not be very coherent. I'll risk it. So many different things I want to write about, and actually that has kept me from writing anything.

Can I deal with SSA by myself? In General Conference, Richard G. Scott used the example of rock climbing. There are people who climbs rocks alone, without equipment, companions or secure protection. Then there are those who climb with a companion and use ropes and anchors and other equipment. Elder Scott counsels: "Do not solo in life. You will almost certainly fall into transgression".

Up until now I have not sought help from anyone else. I have asked myself the question whether it is necessary for me to open up to others about this. Hearing elder Scott speak, and watching the little video of the rock climbers they showed during his talk, sort of felt like an answer to this question. It may not be impossible to deal with it by myself, but the chances of really finding peace with it are probably higher if I do decide to involve others.

I have actually know this for a long time, but I haven't done it. Why? I'm afraid people will stop thinking of me as someone who's got his act together (well, I like to think that's how people think of me anyways :-)). I'm afraid my male friends will think or at least wonder about me having developed any special interests in them. I'm afraid people will be cool about it to my face, but will joke about it or judge me behind my back. I'm afraid the young men or their parents might all of a sudden feel a little weird about those sleepovers at my house (during which absolutely nothing inappropriate happened by the way, nor did I ever want it to!!). I'm afraid I will be labeled as 'gay' or even 'ex-gay' forever, even if I do manage do put it behind me. I'm afraid people will never really trust me again. I'm afraid I will not be able to trust other people anymore. And I just don't want people to know about my weaknesses.

I realize these reasons are based on the fear of man. So not the best reasons. I want to say the real reason is pride. Maybe a little bit of shame too. That I haven't been able to overcome, or that I've let it come this far.

I do think people, or at least some people, will react in the ways I described above. People are people. What I should lose is the fear of that reaction. Just accept it and remember that what other people think is not important when it comes to my eternal progression. Yes, humble myself.

Like so many others I have been longing for friendship and intimacy. However, it seems impossible to really connect with people if I have to hide this part about me. Many times when I talk to friends I can't really tell them how I'm doing or what's been going on in my life because they don't know. So in my relationships with people I can only get to this certain level of sharing and connecting.

In a way I want to come out to people. I would love having someone that knew everything about me, just so I could be completely open and honest. That when I am with this person, I don't have to worry about showing too much of me. Even thinking about it is a liberating experience.

Who to talk to though. Select a friend I feel I can trust enough? A priesthood leader? Someone in my family? Somehow talking to someone that experiences the same thing feels the most secure. Not only would they understand better what comes along with being mormon and experiencing SSA, but also I think they'd have a better understanding of the importance of confidentiality.

Anyways, I'd write about some of the other things that have been on my mind, but I can't. Not without ending up using the word 'I' more than 50 times in one post anyway. Some boundaries are just not be crossed... To be continued...

Speaking unexpected truth

I was on a trip with some friends once. This one day we were on the busiest train ever, and everybody got off the train at the same station we did. So picture a large crowd of people, moving slowly along the platform towards the exit. Somehow my friends got ahead of me and I was sort of trailing behind, waiting for the crowd to disperse enough to catch up with the others again.

In front of me there's this guy that has my attention. A few other people in between, but when he looks around to watch the crowd, I see him noticing me too. He slows down, almost subtle enough to make it look like a casual thing. Then he's next to me and he starts talking. Just chitchat, where are you from, how do you like our country, (again i must have stood out as the foreigner...), all very innocent and very nice I must say. We have about two minutes or so till we get out of the train station where normally we'd be heading in different directions. My friends must have not missed me because they're still nowhere in sight. While we're still walking, my new local friend then completely catches me off guard by motioning towards a public restroom, telling me he's going there and asking me to come along with him and saying let's go. Realizing what he is really suggesting, I say "I can't, I am here with friends".

I can't, I am here with friends.

I so should have said I was not interested. I should have felt I was not interested. But my first reaction to his unexpected move made me realize that apparently somewhere in my mind acting out had become an option. It was an eye opener. Now I was dealing with something different than I had been up until then.

Even without people waiting for me, I still wouldn't have gone with him. The idea was way too far off of what I thought myself capable of doing. He mumbled something like OK, that's cool, have a good one, and we went seperate ways.

Funny thing is that up until today this random person, who I know nothing about, is the only person in the world from whom I've not hidden the fact that I am attracted to men.

Where and when - tell me now please

I feel like I'm breaking away out of this circle that I've been in for a long time now. I like it. And at the same I start feeling the weight of some of the choices and consequences that might lie ahead.

I'm sure I got more out of Conference than I would have if I hadn't written down some questions before. It helped me personalize the talks - it felt like a lot of things that were said were somehow related or an answer to the questions I'd put down earlier. The extra focus made me see things I don't think I would have seen otherwise. I'd like to say that I did it on purpose - truth is, I just happened to organize my mind a bit before being exposed to the overdose of stories, teachings, counsels and truths that is called Conference. Very cool.

So maybe I don't need to know beforehand whether or not change is possible. I was thinking 'begin with the end in mind'. I still support that, but feel I was not focused on the right end before. The destination is eternal life, not overcoming homosexuality. I should find out if that is a goal that can be reached. If it is, then somewhere along that journey we will lose or put behind us anything that keeps us away from it. Exactly where or when does not really matter then.

Still, since I don't have my eyes set on eternity all the time, it'd be nice to get a better idea of what the possibilities are while in this life. If some things are not possible, then I don't want to be frustrated trying to get them anyway. And if some things are possible, then I should work at wanting them bad enough to put forth the necessary effort.

I guess I'm saying maybe I don't need to know, but oh, it'd be so nice :)