Staying in or coming out - part 2

So frustrating. One of my best friends is trying to get me to go on this date with this girl. He has no idea why I wouldn't ask her. Well actually, I'm not so sure about that. He is trying to find out what's keeping me and he's pretty good at asking the right questions. So we've been talking about why it never became more serious with girls I liked in the past and and why I wouldn't show any initiative as far as dating or wanting to be married, things like that. Try talking about that, wanting to be open and honest and also not wanting to talk about the big SSA... At one point I said I wasn't sure I could really have someone else as the number one priority in my life and he added something like 'you mean a woman'. That could mean he's hinting at something, right?

I hate it how I have to beat around the bush. I feel bad because he probably realizes there's more to it than what I'm telling and that doesn't really go well together with the fact that we constantly tell each other how much we enjoy how close our friendship is.

I have to give him credit though and say that if he does think there's something else, then he would also see that obviously it's something I don't easily talk about, and respect that. I'm actually pretty sure he would be supportive. Our friendship could get stronger if I opened up, but there's also a chance it would make things weird between us. I mean, would we still go on trips or talk about moving in together. And on the other hand, I don't want to lose a friend because I keep a distance.

Also, I think once you've told someone then somehow you'll end up telling someone else or people will somehow find out. The thought of it being out there for everyone is still very uncomfortable.

Maybe I have to come to terms more with my SSA and the thought that it may not go away ever. I haven't accepted that.

OK, enough. The reason I'm writing this, is that I'm hoping there's someone that has some advice. Use iovaniovanAThotmailDOTcom if that's better. I hesitate doing this, because I don't like asking for advice directly. I mean, if someone has something to share then that's nice, if not that's ok too. And of course other people can't know what's best for me. But I'm just looking for ideas others may have about this. Or experiences maybe. When is it a good idea to come out. When is it a bad idea. Don't people know anyways, whether you tell them or not.

Oh yeah. I'm not considering coming out because of this one possible date or just because I recently had another one of these talks with my friend. This has been on my mind for a while. Just trying to figure out how to deal with it...

Friends

Just want to say how happy I am to have friends who are not afraid to tell me they love me! It is so powerful!

I think love is the ultimate motivator. It doesn't even matter whether it is someone loving you or you loving someone else. To me, feeling it makes just makes me want to be nothing but good. Like I can achieve anything because somewhere on this planet there is someone I have this connection with.

Too bad I don't always feel it :-)

I love this part from the Chili Pepper song My friends:

I heard a little girl
And what she said
was something beautiful
To give your love
no matter what
is what she said

I realize that you can replace the word 'friends' in the first sentence of this post with words like parents, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, children, leaders, primary teachers, bus drivers, or pretty much any other type of persons. It's just that recently I have been strengthened a great deal by the love I feel from (and for) some special friends. And God. Thank you.

Pick me! Pick me!

The holidays were good. Nice to spend time with family and friends and family of friends. I am blessed with a bunch of great people around me. How weird is it then, that I would still feel alone sometimes. Especially while being in a group of people, I can all of a sudden feel left out. Like those people are just tolerating me being there instead of really enjoying my company.

I realize I'm making myself feel that way, it's not my friends. It's the way I interpret what they might say or do at that time. It's a fear of being deserted, a fear that people might prefer the company of others to my exclusive company :-( It feels like a freak combination of insecurity and pride.

Up until a while ago I was OK with being single. Gradually this changed into thinking it would also be OK to have someone to share life with, to thinking it might be nice to have someone like that, to thinking at some point I really want someone to choose me as the number one person in their life. This goes both ways of course, I also want to have someone else as the number one person in my life. Great strength would come from it.

I wrote 'someone to choose me as the number one person in their life', which is gramatically incorrect. I wrote it anyway because I couldn't choose between writing in his life or in her life. Right now neither one feels right. I'm not sure I could go as deep into a relationship with a woman as needed, but choosing to be with a man doesn't feel like it would bring me everything I want either.

So I'm single, and not pursuing anything else for now. Most of the times that's OK.

"Mine arm is lengthened out all the day long, saith the Lord God of Hosts" (2 Nephi 28:32). Choosing to ignore his arm doesn't really help either. I really should be more humble.

Not such quiet desperation

So I am at this bookstore, trying to buy In Quiet Desperation. I don't see it, so after some hesitation (big bookstore with lots of people) I decide to ask. The guy I ask looks it up in their system and gets all excited when he finds it. He says: Yes! I found it: In Quiet Desperation - Understanding the ...challenge of...same...gender attraction.... Major slowing down while reading this out loud. And then he looks at me and gives me the biggest smile! I actually think he knew about the challenge. And I had to tell him yes, that's what I'm looking for. So funny I actually forgot to be embarrassed.

They could have ordered it, but I was visiting in another city and it wouldn't have gotten there in time. I'll get a copy some day...

There. I've started writing again. Hopefully this will help me write about the things that are really on my mind at the moment.