Saturday, September 30, 2006

What I wanted to write last night but didn't because I decided it was too late:

Christ overcame sin and death. I can't really remember having serious doubts about life after death or the resurrection. Christ paying the price for all sin (including mine) has been a lot harder to understand. Sometimes I think I have been 'given' same sex attraction to make sure that I would come to apply and understand this part of the atonement. I would not seek for it without having to deal with things that seem bigger than me.

Yesterday I also thought it would be nice if they'd speak about SSA in general conference. I only had to wait for the first talk... From the talk it became even clearer to me that dealing with the experience involves the atonement. I should really strive to get to know Jesus as my Savior. People speak of applying the atonement, I will have to seek for a better understanding of how this is done. I don't know if it would lead to a complete change of my attractions. The talk was not specific about that either (question number 1 remains unanswered...). Elder Oaks, before specifically speaking about same gender attraction, said something like 'Sometimes Christ heals us by giving us strength to bear the burden instead of removing the burden'.

Anyway, even though I still have a lot of questions, I thought it was nice to hear the topic being addressed in general conference, and not just in one sentence as an example of sinful behavior :)

Friday, September 29, 2006

Thirteen questions

Just some random questions:
1. Can SSA/homosexuality be completely overcome?
2. Is it necessary to understand where my SSA comes from before I can deal with it, or is it possible to just accept that I have these feelings and then deal with them?
3. Is it possible to deal with SSA without help from others? If not, where do I go for help?
4. Is being in a relationship before getting a better understanding of all of this going to be helpful or harmful (also thinking about the other person)?
5. What is the influence of acting out on my same sex attractions while dealing with SSA - do I start with obedience to the law of chastity, or is that something that can come later?
6. Should I seek contact with other people experiencing SSA or should I focus on good and meaningful relationships with straight people?
7. Should I focus on developing deeper relationships with women?
8. Are there any other issues I should address if I want to fully address SSA? What are they?
9. Is SSA a sexual thing or is it a matter of underlying issues?
10. Would I be able to develop heterosexual attractions towards women? (Can I change the fact that a woman has to be drop dead gorgeous before I'm even remotely attracted to her, while even an average looking guy immediately seems to attract my attention?)
11. Is the answer found in developing deeper relationships with men or maybe with one man in particular, and then finding out the nature of the needs that are met?
12. What can contribute to my motivation to deal with this (which ever way it goes) and not give up?
13. How will I know the right answers to some of the yes or no questions?

This is not a complete list. Some of these questions may become more specific in the future while others may turn out to be irrelevant. New questions will come I'm sure.

The answers to some of these questions may seem obvious. I put them here anyway because I feel I need to address them more fully and really make the answers 'my answers'. This will give me more motivation to actually do something with them.

I put down question number one because it is a starting point. The answer 'no' would basically result in a totally different set of quesions. The fact that I didn't write down those questions shows that up until now I have assumed SSA can be overcome. However, I realize I may not have given any other answer a serious chance. I need to internalize the answer to this question before going anywhere else. It makes question number one the first one to work on.

A more personal question I will have to ask myself: If change is possible, do I really want it?

Monday, September 25, 2006

No longer alone

Being a city boy, I went to live in this tiny Latin American village once, without speaking Spanish. Even though I loved it from the beginning, I was definitely the stranger out there. Everybody speaking this language that I hardly understood, nobody understanding the language that I spoke. On top of that, unfamiliar social rules on how to behave and spending all of my time around people whose lives had been very different than mine up until then. A different society really. Yes, they laughed at me - and it really was funny!

Then, after a couple of weeks, I met this guy from New York. He'd sort of been going through the same thing. Finally, communication! Somebody that spoke the same language. Somebody who only needed half a sentence to understand where I was coming from. Someone to share all these new impressions and experiences and feelings with. No way we could have not spent the rest of that day together.

I have felt the same excitement coming across some of the gay mormon blogs that are out there. It's great to discover people who speak the same language. Great to read about thoughts and feelings I really relate to. Maybe the questions and opinions will help me figure out what to do with this SSA. They say there's strength in numbers, but right now I also feel great comfort in numbers. Simply knowing there's other people who face the same thing has made it easier for me already.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Choices

Character: the ability to carry out a decision after the emotion of making the decision has past. I could use some more of that. I mean, at times I am determined to do everything right. Love God, love myself, love and strengthen everybody else. This happens when I feel the Spirit strongly or when life is just treating me good. Then somewhere down the line these emotions will become weaker and other emotions and desires become increasingly important again. Eventually this results in falling back into old habits or leaving new habits behind.

Does it all come down to desire? Simply nurturing your desires for good enough to keep doing good? For the longest time I have wondered how to control desires. Or even more: how to start having a particular righteous desire. If I don't seem to have it in the first place, how can I nurture it.

I know it's natural to have desires for good and desires for evil. But how to make the desires for good the strongest I don't know. Sometimes I just don't want these righteous desires. And sometimes while making bad choices I realize I don't want to be doing those things, but I do them anyway. I guess that's all part of life and finding out what we're made of though. Something every person must learn, I don't think this is any different for me than it is for somebody else.

I realize all of this is still pretty vague. I guess picking the word rambling as part of my URL was a good choice :) I hope that by writing these thoughts down, it'll become clear to me what all my struggles are really about. I look at what I'm writing and think it may take a while...

Oh about my appreciation for the word to heal - I found another great word: Nantucket. Saw it on somebody's t-shirt the other day. I don't know, it just sounds nice when you say it.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Stuck

The other day I got stuck reading Mosiah 14. I read it over and over again for at least half an hour or so. Didn't want to continue my reading with the next chapter, because this one really spoke to me:

"He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
"But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.
"He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth; he is brought as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb so he opened not his mouth. (Mosiah 14:3,5,7, or I guess the same is found in Isaiah 53...)

What a strange but wonderful thing it is that somebody else atoned for my falling short!

Maybe my favorite word in the english language is the word to heal. I guess it is because of the joy and peace that speaks from it. To be whole, after having experienced griefs and after being broken. What a great feeling. What great love Christ has for us, and how impressive his conduct and the way he fulfilled his part.

I truly believe I can only be fully whole with somebody by my side, in an eternal marriage covenant. A strange thing to say maybe, because often I wish it were different. Can't this fulness of love be found without such a relationship i wonder.